Working Space

Since my living arrangements are temporary, I've been using temporary workspace. I've been sitting on the bed or floor to use the laptop, and have been using the floor or a metal tv tray for a working surface while beading. Surprisingly, I haven't been doing much beading.

I'd thought about rearranging a bit, and trying to reclaim some space, but kept putting it off with the excuse that I wouldn't be here long. Well, it's been 2 and a half months. I still hope that I won't be here much longer, but it's hard to know with the economy. I think I was a little afraid that if I sort of settled, that it would mean that I was accepting it as more than a stopping point. In the end, though, comfort won out. It's too hard to try to do job applications, practice new computer applications and software, update a website, do bead loomwork, etc, etc without a work surface that's a bit larger and more stable than a lap or a metal tv tray. So, with a bit of rearranging and the repurposing of a table stored in the basement, the temporary room now has a decent work area.

I'm hoping that a decent work surface leads to some decent work. I've had a couple beading projects in mind. Now I have a place to move them from thought to reality.

Acceptance

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us." - St Therese of Liseux

This quote is from an email I got, one of the annoying send-this-to-X-people-and-something-will-happen emails that make the rounds. It's oddly appropriate to what I've been thinking about this week, though. I don't know if synchronicity pulls things into our lives, or if we just notice things that have always been there because we're now thinking about them.

I would love to be at peace with myself, to be content with myself. I'm more that way than I ever have been, but it's still a struggle. It does feel like maybe I might be able to reach this someday, though. Part of that is that I'm starting to think that there might be hope for finding a career I love, something brought on my my continued reading of the Pathfinder book. This week I've been pondering decisions and choices. There's a chapter on decision making, with descriptions of decision making methods commonly used. Then Lore talks about free choice, about freely making a choice based on not using any decision making methods, but instead making a choice based on simply choosing. I'm still working my way through this concept, and I have to say it's both exhilerating and so frightening that I don't want to get it. So I'm feeling scared and hopeful rolled together. It's such a different way of looking at life.

So, in honor of all this, I'm calling my finished socks the "just the way you are" socks. I knitted the first one and it didn't fit quite right. Instead of making a second one the same way, I altered the pattern, and added a ribbed top across the foot to make it less baggy. It's not quite what I want, but the next pair should be (and might even match).

The earrings are just for fun, because most of my earrings (and everything else) are packed in a box, in a warehouse, 650 miles away.

More bead experimentation

This is the other mixed media bead loom piece. I finished the edges with coils and beads. I love not having to weave in all the ends. I'm not sure what I'm doing with either piece. This may become a pin, or not. I liked leaving the space in the middle of the piece; I was thinking of my word, of OPEN, while I was working on it. Yet another visual reminder of my quest for this year.

I've been thinking quite a bit of OPEN this week. I've really felt closed down during this whole job hunting process. Working through the Pathfinder book is helping me see some potential reasons for feeling resistant and closed down. I may not be on quite the right path yet. It's closer than it has been, and working through the exercises in this book are helping me see where some course correction may be necessary. Instead of always trying to change my personality and way of thinking to fit a job, I want to find something that fits me, that's easy to love.

Part of being open is being able to admit to mistakes, errors in judgement, miscalculations. It's easy to fight against this, to try to make things fit. I've spent so much time in my life trying to fit myself to jobs that require hiding who I am in order to fit in. I know I've had that fear of having wasted time, of not being closer to some end product, of not accomplishing some sort of measurable goal. It's the outside pressure of having some kind of product to point to, something that proves my life is worthwhile.

Life isn't necessarily measurable, though. Some of use take a very winding path. More and more, I'm accepting the truth that life is a process, and that I don't have to reach some point where there's a product in order to prove my worth. Duh dum - look I'm a [fill in blank here]. I've reached my goal. I am SOMETHING and this shows that my life is worthy.

I've lived a lot of my life away from the present - in striving for future goals, in avoiding the past. I really want to be open to the process of living life day by day, of enjoying the process of living instead of always waiting for life to start someday. Someday, after I graduate, after I find a job, after ..... always after.... I've spent over half of my life trapped in this sort of thinking.

I'm not sure where my journey for openness will take me, but it's been nice to have this time, this little chunk of space to stop and think about it all. This feels right and necessary, instead of running headlong around a curve somewhere, chasing future's carrot.

Beads and Doodling

This is one of the pieces I played with on the bead loom. Instead of weaving the ends in, I could twist the wire together and shape it. I wasn't sure what it wanted to be at first, but it needed a loop on top. I think it will become a pendant, but that's not set in stone, either.

This is another view of the same piece, but on a lighter background.

Friday was so nice that I went for a walk with my mom. We walked a nature trail at a local lake. I loved this tree. It's a tangle of trees that sprawls out all over. It looks like it should be protecting a hobbit or two.
This is a photo of the lake ice. I liked the shading of whites, greys, blues. I'd like to use the colors for a bracelet. Now to find a place to buy beads - or I'll have to resort to ordering online.

This is a cuff bracelet I made as a gift. I'm thinking something similar to this, though, using the lake ice colors instead of the purples.

I've still been focused on the job search, and trying to find creative ways of approaching that task while keeping myself open. I was doodling, and wrote a piece of one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems around the page. The inside was empty, but I added the heart, and then found the letters for open on a paper bag. Gluing down the letters felt a little surreptitious, like I was creating a ransom note to my heart. I might have to prop it up somewhere, as a reminder.

Moving Forward

"Your little trip down Memory Lane is over. You have recently dipped deep enough into your own reservoir of past experiences and now you will be best served by coming back to the present moment. But this doesn't mean you should set your feelings aside in favor of logic. Your smartest strategy now must include both your head and your heart."

This was an interesting horoscope to have for today. I've been reading through a career coaching book, The Pathfinder. The beginning sections involve quite a bit of reflection on the past. This is the life timeline I created as part of one of the exercises. My life has never been a straight line. When I drew this, I intended to put the title End in the middle of the spiral, but that wasn't right. I labeled the middle of the spiral Beginning, and the decades unravel out from that point. I think the process now moves more into finding out values, temperament, talent, etc from here, though. It's been an interesting read. I've considered a lot of these things before, but separately. I feel like the book is helping me pull them all together, so I'll be able to find the job that's right for me.
Instead of being trapped in the cage of fitting myself to a job, I think I will be able to find a job that fits me, one that allows me to use creativity in some way.

This is a work in progress, a bit of experimental bead looming. I decided to see if I could work with beads, wire, and fiber, all at the same time. I warped the loom with copper wire, then used a mixture of bead and fiber rows. It's been fun, doing this just to see if I could, without having a purpose in mind for the finished pieces. Playing with stuff.... I'm contemplating what to do with them to finish them off, and will probably continue experimenting by just seeing what I feel like doing. I had no pattern or preconceived ideas when I started these, so why change now?

Snow (really written on Monday)

The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

Why is it that snowy (or rainy) weather and a migraine can provide perspective that sunshine and feeling healthy cannot? I knew it snowed yesterday, but I didn't really pay any attention to it; I had the shade pulled and was in bed. I tried looking out at some point, but it was too white, too bright, too much for my scrambled brain. By the time I'd reached the headache hangover stage, it was getting dark and I couldn't see much of the snow.

It's snowing again today, though, very gentle flakes, enough to keep everything white. The sidewalks are covered with a thin layer of downyness. That and the quiet made me think of Frost's poem. Those two lines perfectly convey the feeling of this kind of snow - soft, gentle snow with no wind, enough for a light layer of whiteness over everything.

I've absorbed some of the quiet, taken it in. That, combined with gratitude for being pain-free, have made me happy to be in the world, and have helped me see how much I've not really been in the present lately. My migraines don't have a single trigger. They're usually a warning that I'm not taking care of myself, that I'm not eating right, not drinking enough water, not sleeping enough, not letting stress go, not exercising enough, not paying attention to the here and now basically.... I could claim all those things at the moment. It's what I do when I'm waiting for the future. And right now, I am waiting, my whole life is waiting. I'm waiting to hear about jobs, to find a place, to move, to BEGIN.

How do I balance here and now with waiting to begin? That's what I'm pondering this week. My original plan was to stay very temporarily at my brother's, to find a job relatively quickly, to move, and to BEGIN. Beginning has been postponed, though. I'm not sure how long it will take to find a job. Living in a postponed state isn't working for me, either, or so the migraine would indicate. So my life requires looking past these two fixed states of waiting or living, past the black and white into something else.

I've joined the Creative Everyday Challenge. I'm hoping that I can use creativity to find ways to balance both waiting and living in the present. Originally I had thought that the challenge would push me to create physical objects - beadwork, stories, whatever. I'm sure that will happen, but I think my focus is not on making creative things as much as it is on trying to apply creativity to my life. I want to find ways to live here and now in a temporary situation that involves lots of waiting, lots of uncertainty. Being open to uncertainty will be a big part of the puzzle. I would so love to make a decision, any decision, rather than sit with uncertainty. Maybe uncertainty and I can become friends, or at least declare a truce.

uncertain, a. (from the Oxford English Dictionary)
1. a. Not determinate or fixed in point of time or occurrence; that may happen earlier or later.
b. Not determinate or fixed in amount, number, or extent.
c. Having no regular shape. rare.

2. a. Not certain or determined in respect of occurrence; dependent on chance or accident.
b. Devoid of, lacking in, certainty or settled character; liable to change or accident.

3. a. About which one cannot be certain or assured; subject to doubt.
b. Of ways, etc.: Not clearly leading to a certain goal or destination.
c. That cannot be relied on to produce a particular result.

4. a. Not known with certainty; not established or proved beyond doubt; doubtful, dubious.
b. Without clear signification; ambiguous. Phr. in no uncertain terms, emphatically, very clearly indeed.
c. Not clearly identified, located, or determined. Phr. of uncertain age.
d. Not clearly defined or outlined.

5. a. Not certain to remain in one state or condition; unsteady, variable, fitful.
b. Of persons: Variable, fickle, changeable, capricious.

6. a. Of persons: Not fully confident or assured of something.
b. Const. how, what, whether, etc.: Having no clear knowledge; in a state of doubt.
c. Undecided; not directed to a definite end.

7. into uncertain, at random. Obs.

8. quasi-adv. In an uncertain manner.

Shifting

I've been drifting this week, not doing much outside of my head. I got a definite rejection on the only potential job option I've had so far. That's colored the week; I've been spending time reviewing and reevaluating my job options and job search strategies. I've also been seriously thinking about my life - what I want, what I need, where I need to go.

I found a mission statement I'd written - probably about a year ago. It's a nice reminder of purpose. The whole job/job search - it so often focuses on more superficial parts of ourselves. It's hard not to let those job skills or our jobs themselves define who we are. People don't ask, "who are you?" They ask, "what do you do?" Finding my mission statement was a good reminder to not focus so much on the external. Yes, I do need to find a job, but my whole worth is not wrapped up in the process (or even the product) of that search. I have a life outside of that. It's time to give that part of my life some space. I'm not sure how that works, being that I have very little physical space at the moment. I'll just have to approach this creatively.

The mission statement:
My mission on this earth is to stay open to new ideas and experiences, to work through the discomfort that comes with true and deep questioning, and then to translate these thoughts and processes into creative works. Through my contributions of writing and the physical manipulation of objects, I will put something unique back into the world in place of what I have taken from it. These creative processes will allow me to communicate and connect with myself, with others, and with the spiritual/natural world. Writing for the joy of writing is my primary focus, and I will structure my life so this focus is supported and sustained.