Snow (really written on Monday)

The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

Why is it that snowy (or rainy) weather and a migraine can provide perspective that sunshine and feeling healthy cannot? I knew it snowed yesterday, but I didn't really pay any attention to it; I had the shade pulled and was in bed. I tried looking out at some point, but it was too white, too bright, too much for my scrambled brain. By the time I'd reached the headache hangover stage, it was getting dark and I couldn't see much of the snow.

It's snowing again today, though, very gentle flakes, enough to keep everything white. The sidewalks are covered with a thin layer of downyness. That and the quiet made me think of Frost's poem. Those two lines perfectly convey the feeling of this kind of snow - soft, gentle snow with no wind, enough for a light layer of whiteness over everything.

I've absorbed some of the quiet, taken it in. That, combined with gratitude for being pain-free, have made me happy to be in the world, and have helped me see how much I've not really been in the present lately. My migraines don't have a single trigger. They're usually a warning that I'm not taking care of myself, that I'm not eating right, not drinking enough water, not sleeping enough, not letting stress go, not exercising enough, not paying attention to the here and now basically.... I could claim all those things at the moment. It's what I do when I'm waiting for the future. And right now, I am waiting, my whole life is waiting. I'm waiting to hear about jobs, to find a place, to move, to BEGIN.

How do I balance here and now with waiting to begin? That's what I'm pondering this week. My original plan was to stay very temporarily at my brother's, to find a job relatively quickly, to move, and to BEGIN. Beginning has been postponed, though. I'm not sure how long it will take to find a job. Living in a postponed state isn't working for me, either, or so the migraine would indicate. So my life requires looking past these two fixed states of waiting or living, past the black and white into something else.

I've joined the Creative Everyday Challenge. I'm hoping that I can use creativity to find ways to balance both waiting and living in the present. Originally I had thought that the challenge would push me to create physical objects - beadwork, stories, whatever. I'm sure that will happen, but I think my focus is not on making creative things as much as it is on trying to apply creativity to my life. I want to find ways to live here and now in a temporary situation that involves lots of waiting, lots of uncertainty. Being open to uncertainty will be a big part of the puzzle. I would so love to make a decision, any decision, rather than sit with uncertainty. Maybe uncertainty and I can become friends, or at least declare a truce.

uncertain, a. (from the Oxford English Dictionary)
1. a. Not determinate or fixed in point of time or occurrence; that may happen earlier or later.
b. Not determinate or fixed in amount, number, or extent.
c. Having no regular shape. rare.

2. a. Not certain or determined in respect of occurrence; dependent on chance or accident.
b. Devoid of, lacking in, certainty or settled character; liable to change or accident.

3. a. About which one cannot be certain or assured; subject to doubt.
b. Of ways, etc.: Not clearly leading to a certain goal or destination.
c. That cannot be relied on to produce a particular result.

4. a. Not known with certainty; not established or proved beyond doubt; doubtful, dubious.
b. Without clear signification; ambiguous. Phr. in no uncertain terms, emphatically, very clearly indeed.
c. Not clearly identified, located, or determined. Phr. of uncertain age.
d. Not clearly defined or outlined.

5. a. Not certain to remain in one state or condition; unsteady, variable, fitful.
b. Of persons: Variable, fickle, changeable, capricious.

6. a. Of persons: Not fully confident or assured of something.
b. Const. how, what, whether, etc.: Having no clear knowledge; in a state of doubt.
c. Undecided; not directed to a definite end.

7. into uncertain, at random. Obs.

8. quasi-adv. In an uncertain manner.