More bead experimentation

This is the other mixed media bead loom piece. I finished the edges with coils and beads. I love not having to weave in all the ends. I'm not sure what I'm doing with either piece. This may become a pin, or not. I liked leaving the space in the middle of the piece; I was thinking of my word, of OPEN, while I was working on it. Yet another visual reminder of my quest for this year.

I've been thinking quite a bit of OPEN this week. I've really felt closed down during this whole job hunting process. Working through the Pathfinder book is helping me see some potential reasons for feeling resistant and closed down. I may not be on quite the right path yet. It's closer than it has been, and working through the exercises in this book are helping me see where some course correction may be necessary. Instead of always trying to change my personality and way of thinking to fit a job, I want to find something that fits me, that's easy to love.

Part of being open is being able to admit to mistakes, errors in judgement, miscalculations. It's easy to fight against this, to try to make things fit. I've spent so much time in my life trying to fit myself to jobs that require hiding who I am in order to fit in. I know I've had that fear of having wasted time, of not being closer to some end product, of not accomplishing some sort of measurable goal. It's the outside pressure of having some kind of product to point to, something that proves my life is worthwhile.

Life isn't necessarily measurable, though. Some of use take a very winding path. More and more, I'm accepting the truth that life is a process, and that I don't have to reach some point where there's a product in order to prove my worth. Duh dum - look I'm a [fill in blank here]. I've reached my goal. I am SOMETHING and this shows that my life is worthy.

I've lived a lot of my life away from the present - in striving for future goals, in avoiding the past. I really want to be open to the process of living life day by day, of enjoying the process of living instead of always waiting for life to start someday. Someday, after I graduate, after I find a job, after ..... always after.... I've spent over half of my life trapped in this sort of thinking.

I'm not sure where my journey for openness will take me, but it's been nice to have this time, this little chunk of space to stop and think about it all. This feels right and necessary, instead of running headlong around a curve somewhere, chasing future's carrot.